An Open Letter to my Anxiety

 

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STOP!

My, dear Anxiety, I want to tell you to stop. I refer to you as dear even though you are not dear to me at all. No, not even the slightest bit. You creep up on me and you settle. You make me your home, encompassing me in every single way. I know you’re here when I feel you crawl along my skin, faster now as you reach for my mind, and then settle for the deepest corner of my heart till you’ve pushed it to the pit of my stomach. You make me feel the kind of sickness that has sadness along its borders, anger on the insides, and hints of patchy frustration. I do not like you. Anxiety, you have sliced my self esteem into so many pieces, and each time I pick up the pieces, you scoff, roll your eyes and begin slicing again and again. Meera, don’t YOU know YOU can’t do that. You break into laughter, as you watch the pieces slide through my hands as I helplessly fumble down to pick them up again and again. Anxiety, you add fuel to my fear, you make it shine bright bright brighter. You sprinkle salt to my wounds, and you don’t even bother to clean up the mess. Anxiety, you either visit way too often or not at all, can you make up your mind? Can you make up your mind to leave my mind, heart, body and soul? I don’t like you. You add a never ending burden on my shoulders and expect me to walk around – straight up, smiley, no, not slouchy. And if anyone asks me what’s wrong, you force me to lie. Why? Because your whisper is like a shout and you say, “they don’t care about it!” or “TSK, you REALLY think you’re suffering from me…anxiety? HA, have YOU seen what other people go through! FOOL!” Anxiety, why? Why do you visit and when will you stop? You’re someone I am never going to get used to. You’re someone I am never going to befriend. And you’re someone who is just going to invite themselves, be it during my work hours, right before bed or as soon as I’ve stepped into the shower. I don’t like you. We’re not meant to be together, leave me alone. Leave. Me. Alone. GO. AWAY. PLEASE? Please? Please let me get through this without feeling like I can’t? Please hush your voice a little? Please loosen the chains, loosen your grip, loosen this suffocation. Anxiety, I don’t like you. Anxiety, I never will. Anxiety, I try not to pay heed to your demons, but when they’ve made a home of me, I can’t help but to entertain them. Go away, Anxiety. Come back another day. Come back when I am ready to meet you at the battleground. Come back when I have enough fortitude to kill you off for good. Come back then, when it’s fair and square, and allow me to fight you and liberate myself. For now, my strength is failing me, but this is temporary, I know it because I feel it in my bones. Strength is around just around the corner,  Anxiety, to bid you farewell. I am getting ready, my army is ready, I am not alone. I will fight you off…slowly but surely.

Slowly but surely.

With love,

Meera. 

[I know my anxiety is going to keep coming back whether I like it or not, but I am learning to fight it off. I am learning, day by day that I am much stronger than it. That, I have it in me to move away from it. To give myself the chance to grow. To let go. To let it go. I have the chance to take my life in my own hands, to put enough effort into it, and to give strength a chance. I’ve never read a more basic title than ‘an open letter to my anxiety’, but I need people to know that they are not alone in what they are feeling. And I need to be assured that I am not alone either. We can fight off the demons only if we talk about them, and I spoke directly to them. I hope, when I read back on this someday, it reminds me of how far I’ve come. I hope, I can, at some point in my life laugh this off. And above all, somewhere along the lines, I hope this helps whoever reads this.

Stay smiling, stay fighting.]

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