So, I checked my weight today with another person for the first time in a while. I’ve always been so weird about telling my weight to people, it’s almost as if if they know my weight they will look at me differently. The less I weigh, the more I am worth. I know this isn’t true. I know it has a lot to do with the relationship I have with my body and weight and food. It’s getting better, I think. I allow myself to eat junk, but I will constantly nag myself to watch what I’m eating because gaining weight is an easy slip.
I’m not sure when I started obsessing over it. And I hope I can stop.
I don’t remember the last time I enjoyed a meal. I don’t remember the last time eating wasn’t a task that I needed to just quickly do. I’m trying to work on that.
I’m trying to get better at this.
I don’t know why I have decided to blog after months of not doing so. But maybe it’s part of the process of trying to get better at this. My time in London is almost up. I can’t believe it. I don’t want to.
I’ve always known what the next stage of my life was going to be. After my undergrad, I knew somewhere down the line I’d be doing a Masters. I had something to look forward to. I had something to work towards. But now that its over, I am just hanging by this thread of well, what next. I know the most clear cut answer here is. you know, find a job. Be an adult. Try to write some stuff. I know.
But I also don’t know.
I don’t know where I am going to be in the next two months. I don’t know what’s going to happen to the person that I am over here. I don’t have a safety blanket of well you know this is temporary, you’re gonna come back for your Masters.
And it’s terrifying.
And I’m terrified. And I can feel this fear travelling in my body. It’s just constantly present. And it is a heavy weight to carry on some days, and some days I don’t think once about it.
A few days ago I had a discussion with a friend. And we told each other we would say this is okay to things we are experiencing at present. And I’m gonna keep the challenge up and say it. This is okay.
And it is okay. I’ve been told I need to remember my humanness. I need to remember that I am allowed to feel this way. It’s okay. This is okay.
I’ve come this far, right? (Far Right? Bad joke, I know.)