I am 26 and now at the weight I “dreamed” to be at when I was 16.
It’s odd because it doesn’t seem like much of an achievement. I know my 16 year old self would be over the moon. Finally, I finally made it.
I know it’d be all over my Tumblr “fitness” blog, because I’d kept one. I’d follow a bunch of thinspo blogs. Obsessing over “ideal” weights and thigh gaps and food diaries and calories. My followers would be so proud of me.
I wonder if my then-nutritionist/fitness instructor would be proud of me. I can imagine her smile, to be honest.
This obsession with weight stopped when I turned 21, then came back in 2017.
And since then, this need to be thin has been on my mind almost everyday.
Over my last few months in London I remember specifically trying to see how many times I could wrap a towel around my body.
It all takes up a lot of my headspace and I wonder what’s made it worse.
Is it the multiple times people warning me, you look good now, don’t go back to who you were. Or the don’t you feel so much better now that you’re smaller? Or the dozens of recommendations I get to lose more weight.
At 16 I thought that when I reached this “goal” weight, my life would immediately be in order.
And is it?
I mean it depends. Yes, I work. Yeah, I have a roof over my head and warmth and comfort.
But how am I doing really?
There’s very high ups and very low downs.
There’s a bunch of anxiety and tears. There’s the stepping on the weighing scale multiple times. There’s the thousands of apologies and promises to everyone around me. There’s the you need to be strongs, you need to do this. There’s my mind that refuses to stop the noise. And a ton of sleep in between.
That’s today, at least. I’m not sure about yesterday. I don’t really want to think about tomorrow.
I was naive at 16. And at 26, I’m trying to understand why this desire lingers still.
To my 16 year old self, I want to say, look, you made it. You’re at your “ideal” weight, it’s yours to keep.
I hope you are happy now.
(featured image courtesy of: pinterest, libra artsy scale)